dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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