My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
