the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
