you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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