even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
