She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
