Please, let me fuck your mom
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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