You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
