Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
