I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
FUCK WHALES
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
