The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
