I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
operation have a gay friend backfired
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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