his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
