i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
