hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
