Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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