I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
