i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
