Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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