btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
