yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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