I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
