I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
