There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
