A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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