I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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