Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
