I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
