I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
