Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
