Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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