Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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