so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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