Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
