my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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