It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
