I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
