tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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