I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
