OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
