With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
