Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
