I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
