tell your sister to shave her snatch
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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