I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
