the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
