Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
