I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You are a genius and a whore.
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