Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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