Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
